Iceberg Logic Slides Iceberg Logic
Navigating the hidden depths of identity and conflict.
Social Fabric Restoration | Lesson 01
The "Dishes" Argument
Two roommates are screaming at 11:00 PM because a single cereal bowl was left in the sink.
"It's just a bowl! Why are you acting like I committed a crime?"
"It's not about the bowl. It's about you never listening to anything I say!"
Discussion Questions:
• Is this argument really about the dishes?
• What is actually at stake for both people?
• Why does a small trigger cause such a massive reaction?
Conflict is an Iceberg
The Surface
The Issue
(Dishes, Curfew, Money, Texting)
Feelings & Values
Respect, Safety, Freedom, Belonging, Fairness
The Identity Quake
Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love?
The Identity Quake
Competence
"Am I capable? Do I know what I'm doing?"
Trigger: Being corrected in public or having work critiqued.
Goodness
"Am I a good person? Do I have integrity?"
Trigger: Being accused of being selfish, dishonest, or mean.
Worthiness
"Am I lovable? Do people actually want me around?"
Trigger: Being left out or feeling ignored.
Case Study: The Rift
We are going to analyze a real-world scenario. Your goal is to look past the "Surface Issue" and find the "Identity Quake" hiding beneath.
Identify the Surface
Dig for the Root
Identity Quake Worksheet Identity Quake
Lesson 01: Deep Conflict Analysis
Name:
Date:
Case Study: The Forgotten Milestone
Alex and Jordan have been best friends since middle school. Alex is currently working three part-time jobs to save for college. Jordan just landed a high-profile internship. On Friday, Alex missed Jordan’s celebratory dinner because they were called into an extra shift.
Jordan didn't say anything at first, but has been "ghosting" Alex’s texts for three days. When Alex finally cornered Jordan in the hallway, Jordan exploded: "I guess your shift at the burger joint is more important than our ten-year friendship. You've always been too busy for the things that actually matter."
Alex fired back: "You’re being incredibly entitled. Some of us don't have a trust fund to fall back on. You’re just looking for a reason to feel superior now that you have that internship."
Mapping the Iceberg
1 The Surface Issue
What are they ostensibly arguing about? (The "trigger")
2 Silent Feelings
List 3 emotions each person is likely feeling but not saying.
The Identity Quake
Analyze which of the three identity stakes are being threatened for each person. Check the boxes that apply and explain your reasoning in the space below.
Jordan's Identity
Competence
Goodness
Worthiness
Why is this stake threatened?
Alex's Identity
Competence
Goodness
Worthiness
Why is this stake threatened?
Final Insight
If Jordan and Alex only talk about the "Friday dinner," will their friendship ever truly recover? Why or why not? What would they need to talk about instead?
Deep Conflict Facilitator Guide Deep Conflict
Facilitator Guide | Lesson 01: Iceberg Logic
Teacher Resource
Learning Objective
Students will be able to differentiate between the surface trigger of a conflict and the identity-based root causes (competence, goodness, worthiness) using the Iceberg Model.
Key Terms
• Identity Quake
• Surface Issue
• Value Clash
• Emotional Anchor
Instructional Steps
1
The Hook: The Dishes Argument
Show the hook slide. Ask students why a cereal bowl could cause a friendship-ending fight.
2
Direct Instruction: The Iceberg
Explain that 90% of a conflict is below the waterline. Focus on the Identity Quake . When someone attacks our competence, goodness, or worthiness, our "self-image" starts to shake, causing us to become defensive or aggressive.
3
Case Study Analysis (Worksheet)
Distribute the Identity Quake Worksheet . Students analyze Jordan and Alex.
Analysis Key:
Jordan: Threatened Worthiness (Alex "chose" a burger joint over their milestone) and Competence (the internship makes Jordan feel like they've "arrived," but Alex's absence makes it feel small).Alex: Threatened Goodness (Jordan called them a bad friend) and Competence (Jordan's "trust fund" comment attacks Alex's pride in their hard work).
Power Questions
To provoke empathy:
"If Alex knew that Jordan was terrified the internship was a fluke and needed a friend there to feel 'worthy,' how would their reaction change?"
To provoke self-reflection:
"Think of your last 'meaningless' argument. What part of your identity was actually being poked?"
NVC Blueprint Slides NVC Blueprint
From Judgments to Connection: The Marshall Rosenberg Framework.
Social Fabric Restoration | Lesson 02
The "Translation" Challenge
Judgment Language:
"You are being completely selfish and lazy right now."
Observation Language:
"I notice that the kitchen hasn't been cleaned in three days..."
Why translate?
• Judgments trigger the Identity Quake .
• Observations are video-camera facts .
• Needs are the why behind the what.
The NVC Framework
01
Observation
Concrete actions we observe without evaluation.
"I see..." / "I hear..."
02
Feeling
Emotions we experience in relation to the observation.
"I feel..."
03
Need
The universal human values that are being met (or not).
"Because I value..."
04
Request
The specific, positive action we want taken.
"Would you be willing..."
The "I Feel" Trap
Pseudo-Feelings
These are actually thoughts or evaluations of others.
• Ignored
• Betrayed
• Attacked
• Misunderstood
• Judged
• Rejected
Notice: These all imply someone else did something TO you.
Universal Needs
The core values behind the conflict.
• Inclusion
• Trust
• Safety
• Clarity
• Respect
• Acceptance
Notice: These are independent of anyone else's specific actions.
NVC in Action
Teacher: Embed a video here of an NVC roleplay.
(Search YouTube for "Marshall Rosenberg NVC Introduction")
Translation Lab Worksheet Translation Lab
Lesson 02: NVC Skill Building
Name:
Date:
The Mission
Judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs. Your goal is to strip away the blame and translate the following "Jackal" (judgment-based) statements into "Giraffe" (NVC-based) requests.
Scenario 1: The Group Project
Jackal Language:
"You’re being totally lazy and making me do all the work."
Giraffe Translation:
OBSERVE:
FEEL:
NEED:
REQUEST:
Scenario 2: The Late Friend
Jackal Language:
"You have zero respect for my time. You’re always late."
Giraffe Translation:
OBSERVE:
FEEL:
NEED:
REQUEST:
Scenario 3: The Ignored Text
Jackal Language:
"Fine, ignore me then. I guess I’m just not important enough for a reply."
Giraffe Translation:
OBSERVE:
FEEL:
NEED:
REQUEST:
The Hard Parts
Which of the 4 steps (OFNR) do you find most difficult to say out loud? Why?
Why is it often "easier" to use Jackal language (judgments) even when it makes the conflict worse?
Needs Compass Handout Needs Compass
NVC Vocabulary Reference
Feelings
When Needs are Met:
• Inspired • Confident • Relieved • Grateful • Curious • Peaceful • Energized • Hopeful
When Needs are NOT Met:
• Frustrated • Lonely • Overwhelmed • Anxious • Discouraged • Disconnected • Worried • Vulnerable
The "Pseudo-Feeling" Warning:
Avoid words that describe what others are doing to you (e.g., ignored, attacked, judged ). These are interpretations, not feelings. Stick to what is happening inside your own body.
Universal Needs
Autonomy
Choice, Freedom, Independence, Self-expression
Connection
Affection, Appreciation, Belonging, Empathy, Respect
Meaning
Challenge, Competence, Growth, Contribution
Peace
Ease, Equality, Harmony, Order, Trust
Well-being
Safety, Security, Rest, Support, Predictability
Pro Tip: Needs vs. Strategies
A Need is universal (everyone has it). A Strategy is the specific way you want that need met. Conflict usually happens at the level of strategies, while we can almost always agree on needs.
Repair Manual Slides Repair Manual
The anatomy of a genuine apology and the ethics of accountability.
Social Fabric Restoration | Lesson 03
The "Sincerity" Scale
Option A
"I’m sorry if you felt offended by what I said. I was just stressed out and didn’t mean for it to come out like that."
The "I'm Sorry If..."
Option B
"I apologize for the incident last night. I am moving forward with a focus on my personal growth and the future."
The "Vague Corporate"
Option C
"I was wrong to ignore your text. I see that it made you feel unimportant. I value our friendship and will make sure to check in daily."
The "Restorative Repair"
The Repair Kit
Four non-negotiable elements of a real apology.
1 Own the Action
Be specific. No "ifs" or "buts." Own what YOU did without mentioning their reaction.
2 Validate the Harm
Acknowledge how it impacted them. Show you understand their perspective.
3 Expression of Remorse
Share your own feelings about having caused the harm. (Guilt, sadness, regret).
4 Plan for Repair
How will you fix the immediate damage? How will you prevent it from happening again?
Beware the Non-Apology
Defensive Shifting
"I'm sorry, but if you hadn't done X, I wouldn't have done Y."
Passive Voice
"Mistakes were made." (Who made them?)
Conditional Apology
"I'm sorry IF you're upset." (I'm only sorry about your reaction, not my action.)
"A non-apology is a defense mechanism disguised as a bridge."
Class Discussion
Apology Audit Worksheet Apology Audit
Lesson 03: Accountability & Repair
Name:
Date:
Deconstructing "Non-Apologies"
"I'm sorry you feel like I'm ignoring you, but you know how busy I get during soccer season. I'm just trying to stay on top of things."
Audit Fail
What's wrong here?
Rewrite it (Sincere Repair):
"Mistakes were made during the planning of the dance. We regret any confusion this may have caused to the student body."
Audit Fail
What's wrong here?
Rewrite it (Sincere Repair):
Your Turn: Crafting Repair
The Scenario:
"You promised to help a younger sibling study for a major test. At the last minute, you chose to go to a concert with friends instead. Your sibling failed the test and is now refusing to speak to you."
1. Ownership (Specific Action):
2. Validation (How they were impacted):
3. Remorse (Your feelings):
4. Restitution (Plan for fixing/prevention):
Reflection:
Why is the "Plan for Repair" often the part people skip? How does skipping it damage trust in the long run?
Circle Protocol Slides Circle Protocol
Facilitating restorative justice and equal voice in community repair.
Social Fabric Restoration | Lesson 04
The Power of Geometry
1
Equality: No one sits at the head of the table. Everyone is seen equally.
2
Shared Space: The center of the circle represents the shared community concern.
3
Humanity: It’s harder to dehumanize someone when you are looking them in the eye.
Protocol Essentials
The Talking Piece
An object that regulates the flow. Only the person holding it may speak.
Forces active listening.
The Keeper
The facilitator. They open the space, hold the values, and move the talking piece.
Protects the process.
The Guidelines
Shared agreements: speak from the heart, listen with respect, remain present.
Ensures psychological safety.
The Circle Flow
01
Opening & Check-In
A centering ritual and a simple question to bring everyone into the space.
02
The Core Dialogue
Exploring the harm: What happened? Who was affected? What are the needs?
03
Consensus & Resolution
Brainstorming solutions that satisfy everyone's needs. Reaching an agreement.
04
Closing
Final thoughts and a ritual to release the space and confirm the commitment.
Facilitator Flow Cards Circle Keeper's Script
Facilitator Quick Reference
1
Opening Ritual
The Script:
"Welcome to our circle. We are here today to talk about [issue]. My role is the Keeper—I hold the process, but the answers belong to the group."
The Guidelines:
• Respect the talking piece.
• Speak from the heart (Your truth).
• Listen with respect (No judgments).
• Be lean with words (Give others time).
2
The Check-In
The Purpose:
To break the silence and make it safe for everyone to speak.
Sample Prompts:
"If your mood today were a weather pattern, what would it be?"
"What is one value you bring to this circle today?"
3
The Inquiry
Round 1: The Harm
"What happened? How have you been affected by this?"
Round 2: The Impact
"What has been the hardest part for you?"
Round 3: The Repair
"What needs to happen to make things right?"
4
The Closing
The Summary:
Summarize the agreements made. Ensure everyone understands their role in the resolution.
Closing Prompt:
"Before we leave, what is one thing you are taking away from this circle?"
Ritual:
Ex: All standing together for a moment of silence or a shared phrase.
Facilitator's Mindset
You are not a judge. You are the "Keeper" of the fire. Your job is to make sure the fire (the conversation) doesn't go out, but you don't tell the fire which way to burn.
Circle Observation Checklist Circle Observation
Peer Feedback & Process Evaluation
Observer: ___________
1. Facilitation (The Keeper)
Indicator Observed Notes Clearly opened the space and set the guidelines.
|
| Maintained the flow of the talking piece. |
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|
| Used neutral, open-ended prompts (NVC style). |
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2. Participation (The Circle)
Successes:
Speakers used "I" statements (Accountability).
Listeners showed active attention (No phones/distractions).
People spoke from the heart (Vulnerability).
Growth Areas:
Talking piece was passed too quickly/slowly.
Interruptions or side-talk occurred.
Resolution felt rushed or insincere.
Observer's Final Insight
What was the "turning point" in the circle? When did you notice the energy shift from defensive to restorative?
Future Proof Slides Future Proofing
Designing sustainable, long-term resolutions for complex conflict.
Social Fabric Restoration | Lesson 05
Beyond "Stopping the Fight"
Short-Term:
Ceasefire
"We just stop yelling and stay out of each other's way."
Long-Term:
Sustainability
"We address the root, rebuild trust, and change the system so it doesn't happen again."
The Sustainability Blueprint
Emotional Debt
Clearing the air. Validating the "Identity Quakes" from the past.
The "Why"
Structural Change
Changing the rules, schedules, or physical space to prevent recurrence.
The "How"
Accountability
Scheduled check-ins. A plan for what happens if the treaty is broken.
The "When"
The "Cold War" Challenge
The Situation:
Two siblings have shared a bedroom for 10 years. They haven't had a friendly conversation in 6 months. One is messy and expressive; the other is tidy and needs silence. The tension has now started affecting their parents' marriage.
Your Mission:
Facilitate the Circle.
Map the Identity Quakes.
Draft a sustainable Peace Treaty.
Peace Treaty Project Worksheet The Peace Treaty
Capstone Conflict Resolution Project
FINAL MISSION
Scenario: The Neighborhood Rift
"The Miller and Chen families have lived next door to each other for 15 years. Five years ago, a boundary dispute over a collapsing fence led to a shouting match. Since then, the conflict has escalated: the Millers play loud music when the Chens are hosting outdoor dinners; the Chens have installed high-intensity security lights that shine directly into the Millers’ bedroom. Now, the Chen’s teenager and the Miller’s teenager are in the same friend group, and the parents' feud is forcing the teens to choose sides, tearing their friend group apart."
The Miller Perspective
"They act like they own the whole block. The fence was their responsibility, but they tried to bully us into paying. Now they're shining stadium lights into our house! They have no respect for our privacy or our peace."
The Chen Perspective
"The Millers are aggressive and unpredictable. We put up the lights for security because we don't feel safe with them next door. They blast music just to be spiteful. We just want to be left alone in peace."
The Resolution Architecture
1 Underlying Identity Quakes
What deep identity stakes are being threatened for each family? (Competence, Goodness, or Worthiness?)
2 Sustainable Agreements
A. Structural Changes (Fence, lights, music rules):
B. Communication Protocol (NVC-based check-ins):
C. Accountability Plan (What happens if a rule is broken?):
3. The Drafted Apology
Write one restorative apology from the Millers to the Chens (or vice versa). It must include all 4 elements: Ownership, Validation, Remorse, and Restitution.
Ownership
Validation
Remorse
Restitution
Resolution Architect Rubric Guide Resolution Architect
Evaluation Guide | Lesson 05: Future Proofing
Teacher Resource
The Final Mastery Check
The "Peace Treaty Project" evaluates the student's ability to synthesize every skill learned in the Social Fabric Restoration sequence. A successful resolution doesn't just "end the fight"—it addresses the psychological roots and creates a structural path forward.
Mastery Rubric
Criteria Proficient (3 pts) Mastery (4 pts) Root Cause Analysis Identifies surface issues and general feelings. Accurately identifies specific "Identity Quakes" (Competence, Goodness, Worthiness) for both parties. NVC Application Uses some NVC components (OFNR) in the treaty. Seamlessly integrates NVC. Requests are positive, specific, and directly tied to universal needs. Apology Anatomy Apology includes Ownership and Remorse. Includes all 4 elements (Ownership, Validation, Remorse, Restitution) without any defensive "non-apology" language. Sustainability Proposes structural changes and some accountability. Design includes clear physical/systemic changes AND scheduled check-ins for long-term health.
Critical Thinking Prompt
"Ask students: Which is harder—getting two people to agree on a fence, or getting them to believe the other person isn't 'the villain' in their story? Why is the Peace Treaty incomplete without the Apology?"
Common Misconception
Students often think "compromise" is the goal (split the difference). Remind them that in Restorative Justice, the goal is "Needs Met" (finding a solution where everyone's core identity needs are safe).
