Anchored Self Student Workbook
Session 1
The Anchored Self Workbook
Navigating codependency and building healthy, independent connections.
Name:
Date:
Concept: The Knot vs. The Anchor
Sometimes in close relationships, our lives become so tangled up that we lose track of our own feelings, needs, and identities. This is called a co-dependent knot. Becoming an Anchored Self means staying connected to others while remaining firmly grounded in your own unique life, values, and stability.
The Co-Dependent Knot
When relationships become fused and boundaryless.
- Absorbing Moods: Feeling bad because they are upset.
- Rescuing: Thinking it's your job to solve their crises.
- Lost Needs: Giving up school, goals, or friends.
The Anchored Self
Holding tight to your worth while staying close.
- Separation: Caring, but holding your own emotional peace.
- Healthy Support: Helping without taking over their life.
- Self-Nurture: Taking excellent care of your own health.
Activity 1: My Relationship Climate
Rate how true each statement feels: 1 (Never) to 5 (Always) by circling the number.
1. "I feel completely responsible for my friend's happiness and safety."
1 2 3 4 5
2. "I cancel my own plans or skip my interests just to match their mood."
1 2 3 4 5
3. "I hide my true feelings because I'm terrified they will get upset or leave."
1 2 3 4 5
Activity 2: DBT Radical Acceptance
Pulling back from codependent habits causes intense anxiety. Radical Acceptance means accepting this discomfort without fighting it or trying to escape back into old co-dependent habits. Identify the hardest part of stepping back, and write your own Radical Acceptance statement below.
THE REALITY (What makes me anxious about stepping back right now):
ACCEPTANCE PHRASE (e.g., "I cannot control their feelings, but I can care for mine. It is okay to feel anxious."):
The Anchored Self Bundle • Session 1 Workbook Page 1
Session 2
Speaking My Truth
Using DBT DEAR MAN to build clear boundaries with peers.
Name:
Date:
DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness: DEAR MAN
When codependent, we often drop hints, stew in resentment, or erupt in anger. DEAR MAN is a step-by-step communication strategy to help you ask for what you need or say "no" with confidence and clarity.
My Boundary Blueprint
Choose an ongoing boundary struggle with your peer (e.g., stopping non-stop text cycles during class, declining to do their homework, setting aside personal time on weekends). Draft your script below:
D Describe
Stick to the facts. What is the objective situation?
"We have been texting each other continuously during study hall and class time..."
E Express
Use "I" statements. What do you feel or think about this?
"I feel overwhelmed and worried about falling behind on my schoolwork..."
A Assert
Say exactly what you need. Be direct and clear. Say "no" explicitly.
"I need to put my phone away from 9 AM to 3 PM and not text back during school..."
R Reinforce
Explain the positive consequence. How does this help both of you?
"This way we can both focus, and we will have more to catch up on after school..."
M - Mindful
Stick to your boundary even if they ignore or deflect it.
A - Appear Confident
Keep steady eye contact and a clear, calm tone of voice.
N - Negotiate
Be open to a middle ground that keeps your values safe.
The Anchored Self Bundle • Session 2 Workbook Page 2
Session 3
Balancing the Scales
Mastering the tension between relationship-care (GIVE) and self-respect (FAST).
Name:
Date:
The DBT Tug-of-War: GIVE vs. FAST
In codependent loops, we often overload the GIVE skill (keeping others happy at all costs) and completely drop the FAST skill (protecting our self-respect). Healthy relationships require a balance: being kind to others and being fiercely honest and respectful of yourself.
GIVE: Warm Connection
Use this to show validation without sacrificing boundaries.
- G - Gentle: Avoid attacks or sarcasm.
- I - Interested: Listen actively, don't interrupt.
- V - Validate: Acknowledge their real feelings.
- E - Easy manner: Smile and stay relaxed.
FAST: Self-Respect
Use this to stand tall in your values and speak your absolute truth.
- F - Fair: Be fair to yourself and them.
- A - No Apologies: Don't apologize for having borders.
- S - Stick to Values: Keep to your core beliefs.
- T - Truthful: Don't lie or act helpless.
Activity 3: Self-Respect Checkup
Think back to the last 3 peer interactions. Were you over-focusing on keeping the peace (GIVE) or standing up for yourself (FAST)? Work out how to blend both.
My typical "GIVE" overdrive behavior (Where I people-please to keep them around):
"I apologize repeatedly even when I haven't done anything wrong, just to make sure they aren't mad."
One "FAST" action step I will practice this week (How I will show up for myself):
"I will say 'I can't hang out today' without adding five excuses or apologizing for having plans."
The Anchored Self Bundle • Session 3 Workbook Page 3
Session 4
My Anchor Blueprint
Creating a crisis/distress tolerance plan and a 7-day healthy boundary tracker.
Name:
Date:
The S.O.S. Distress Plan
When we step back from a co-dependent pattern, the urge to rescue, text, or double-check can hit like a tidal wave of panic. Use this crisis action-plan when you feel that distress mounting.
Crisis Toleration Workshop
My 2 Best TIPP Skills (e.g. Ice water, paced breathing, walk):
My Safe Distraction Activity (To stop a continuous text loop):
My Anchored Coping Thought (Write it here to look at in tough moments):
"I can handle feeling uncomfortable. Pulling back allows us both to grow."
Activity 4: My 7-Day Space Challenge
Your daily target: Maintain at least one personal boundary, take time for self-care, and practice independent task management. Check the anchor box each day you complete your challenge!
DAY 1
Boundary
DAY 2
Boundary
DAY 3
Boundary
DAY 4
Boundary
DAY 5
Boundary
DAY 6
Boundary
DAY 7
Boundary
"Deep roots. Calm waters. Secure connection to yourself."
The Anchored Self Bundle • Session 4 Workbook Page 4
Relationship Reality Check Sorting Cards
Active Intervention Tool
Relationship Reality Check
Adolescent Scenario Sorting Cards: Distinguishing healthy interdependence from co-dependency.
Counselor / Group Activity Sheet
How to Use: Print this sheet on heavy paper. Cut along the dotted lines to create 12 individual scenario cards. Have the student sort the cards into two piles: The Co-Dependent Knot (unbalanced, boundary-less) or The Anchored Connection (balanced, interdependent). Use the counselor guide for guiding questions.
#1
Your friend is having a terrible day. You feel so anxious and sad for them that you cannot focus on your own classes or sleep at night.
Target: Emotional Regulation Knot / Anchor
#2
You change your class schedule and drop your favorite art elective just so you can be in the same classroom as your friend.
Target: Personal Identity Knot / Anchor
#3
You tell your friend, "I love hanging out, but I need tonight to study for my Biology test." They say "Okay, good luck!"
Target: Boundaries Knot / Anchor
#4
Your friend forgot their science poster. You skip lunch and do the poster for them so they won't get a failing grade.
Target: Rescuing Knot / Anchor
#5
You text your friend 30 times in two hours, getting increasingly panicked and angry because they haven't replied to your messages yet.
Target: Anxiety Loops Knot / Anchor
#6
Your friend is sad about a soccer game. You sit and listen to them, but you are still able to enjoy your own drama club meeting later.
Target: Empathy/Separation Knot / Anchor
#7
You hate horror movies, but you watch them every week because you're terrified your friend won't like you if you disagree.
Target: Assertiveness Knot / Anchor
#8
Your friend wants to skip class. You say, "I'm going to class, but let's meet up at lunch!" Your friend respects your choice.
Target: Core Values Knot / Anchor
#9
Your friend has a fight with their parents. You stay on the phone until 3 AM, ignoring your own fatigue and tomorrow's exam.
Target: Self-Care Limits Knot / Anchor
#10
You help your struggling friend find the school counselor's office and say, "I'm here for you, but I want you to talk to a professional."
Target: Proper Referrals Knot / Anchor
#11
You continue going to your weekly swim practices even when your friend gets upset that you are not texting them during that time.
Anchored Self Counselor Guide
Therapist / Counselor Tool
Counselor Facilitation Guide
Clinical protocol and scripts for the 4-Session Anchored Self intervention.
The Anchored Self Bundle
Clinical Framework: Adolescent Co-Dependency
Adolescent co-dependency typically manifests as extreme emotional fusion with a peer, high hyper-vigilance regarding social abandonment, and massive anxiety during independent tasks. This intervention blends CBT (cognitive restructuring of anxious assumptions) and DBT (Interpersonal Effectiveness and Distress Tolerance).
1
Session 1 Protocol: Mapping My Connections
Clinical Objective
Help client externalize and label their co-dependent behaviors as "The Knot" and establish the healthy target state ("The Anchored Self").
Therapeutic Scripting Prompt
"When you get tangled in 'The Knot,' you absorb their mood like a sponge. If they're angry, you feel frantic trying to fix it. Today, we're going to practice radical acceptance—learning to tolerate the uncomfortable anxiety of letting them have their own mood while you keep your peace."
CBT Restructuring Questions
- "What is the catastrophic belief that keeps you from stepping back? (e.g., 'If I don't text back immediately, they will hate me.')"
- "Is it actually possible for you to control another person's feelings or prevent their bad mood?"
2
Session 2 Protocol: DEAR MAN Boundary Architect
Clinical Objective
Construct and practice a high-fidelity interpersonal script using DBT's DEAR MAN to establish a clear boundary without passive hinting or aggressive eruptions.
Facilitation & Roleplay Protocol
Work with the client to complete Page 2 of the Workbook. Once drafted, roleplay the interaction twice. First, have the client act as the friend pushing back against the boundary, while you model a confident, calm "DEAR MAN" response. Second, have the client practice voicing their script while you push back slightly to practice the Mindful (Broken Record) skill.
Therapist Troubleshooting Guide
If client struggles with A - Assert, ensure they are not overcomplicating or diluting the demand (e.g., "I was hoping maybe..." should be restructured to "I need to put my phone away...").
The Anchored Self Bundle • Counselor Guide Page 1
Therapist / Counselor Tool
Counselor Facilitation Guide
Clinical protocols for Sessions 3 & 4 and sorting card analysis guide.
The Anchored Self Bundle
