Conflict Map Slides The Conflict Map
Understanding our default settings and the triggers that lead to friction in shared spaces.
Module 01: Styles & Triggers
The Roommate Rumble
Analysis
"I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make it a thing, but now I'm literally exploding because you've left your crusty dishes in the sink for three days..."
Discuss:
Where did this conversation go wrong?
Why do we wait until we 'explode' to mention issues?
What is the 'cost' of silence versus the 'cost' of conflict?
[Sitcom Clip Placeholder: The Roommate Argument]
The Five Styles of Conflict
Competing
"My way or the highway." High assertiveness, low cooperation. Goal: To win.
Collaborating
"Two heads are better than one." High assertiveness, high cooperation. Goal: Win-Win.
Compromising
"Let's find a middle ground." Moderate assertiveness and cooperation. Goal: Temporary settlement.
Avoiding
"Leave me out of it." Low assertiveness, low cooperation. Goal: To delay/evade.
Accommodating
"Whatever you want is fine." Low assertiveness, high cooperation. Goal: To yield.
None of these are "good" or "bad"—they are tools. The key is knowing which one you use by default and when to switch.
Identifying Triggers
Conflict isn't just about the dirty dish. It's about the meaning we attach to it.
Reliability
"If they're late, they don't value my time."
Autonomy
"They're trying to control me."
Visibility
"I'm the only one doing work here."
Reflection Question:
Think of your most recent minor conflict.
1. What was the **Event**? (e.g., forgotten trash)
Time for Self-Discovery
Open your **Conflict Style Inventory**. There are no right or wrong answers—only insights into how you navigate the social landscape.
Take 10 Minutes to Complete
Conflict Style Inventory Worksheet Conflict Style Inventory
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) Adaptation
Name:
Date:
Instructions
For each pair of statements, circle the letter (A or B) that best describes your behavior in a conflict situation. Don't think too hard—go with your first instinct. There are no right or wrong answers.
01
A. There are times when I let others take responsibility for solving the problem.
B. Rather than negotiate the things on which we disagree, I try to stress the things upon which we both agree.
02
A. I try to find a compromise solution.
B. I attempt to deal with all of another person’s and my concerns.
03
A. I am usually firm in pursuing my goals.
B. I might try to soothe the other's feelings and preserve our relationship.
04
A. I try to find a compromise solution.
B. I sometimes sacrifice my own wishes for the wishes of the other person.
05
A. I consistently seek the other's help in working out a solution.
B. I try to do what is necessary to avoid useless tensions.
Scoring Your Results
Circle the letters you chose for each question number below. Total each column at the bottom.
Question # Competing Collaborating Compromising Avoiding Accommodating 1 A B 2 B A 3 A B 4 A B 5 A B COLUMN TOTALS
Brief Reflection
Which style was your highest score? Does this surprise you?
In what situations do you think this style is most helpful? In what situations is it problematic?
Conflict Styles Facilitation Playbook Facilitation Playbook
Teacher Resource
60 Minutes
Module 01: Styles & Triggers
Learning Objectives
Identify personal conflict style using the TKI framework.
Define the five conflict styles (Competing, Collaborating, Compromising, Avoiding, Accommodating).
Distinguish between surface-level events and underlying emotional triggers.
Essential Questions
"Why do some conflicts feel 'explosive' while others fade away without resolution?"
"How does my default reaction to stress impact those I live or work with?"
Required Materials
Conflict Map Slides
Conflict Style Inventories
Sitcom clip (suggested: New Girl, Friends, or The Bear)
Lesson Flow & Pacing
00:00 - 00:10
The Hook: Scene Analysis
Play a clip of a roommate or group project conflict. Ask students: "At what moment did this become unrecoverable?" Focus on the non-verbal cues and the moment where listening stopped.
Pro-Tip:
Undergraduates often respond well to humor. Use a clip that is relatable but slightly exaggerated to lower their guard about their own conflicts.
00:10 - 00:25
Concept Intro: The TKI Model
Use the slides to walk through the 5 styles. Emphasize that **Collaborating** is the most resource-heavy but sustainable, while **Avoiding** is often a short-term survival strategy that creates long-term debt.
Key Discussion Point: "The Shadow Side"
Competing → Aggression/Bullying
Accommodating → Resentment/Martyrdom
Avoiding → Passive-Aggression
00:25 - 00:45
Self-Assessment & Small Group Share
Students complete the inventory silently. Once finished, they should find a partner who has a *different* primary style and discuss: "How would we drive each other crazy in a group project?"
00:45 - 00:60
Triggers & Closing
Introduce the concept of "Triggers" (Autonomy, Visibility, Reliability). Close by asking students to commit to noticing one trigger in their lives this week before reacting.
Common Misconceptions
Misconception
"Avoiding is always bad/weak."
Correction
Avoiding is a valid choice when the issue is trivial or when cooling down is necessary for safety/de-escalation.
Misconception
"Compromise is the same as Collaboration."
Simulation Chaos Lab Slides The Chaos Lab
A High-Stakes Group Project Simulation
Module 02: Simulation
The Assignment
Due in 15 Minutes
Task: The Poster Pitch
Your group must design a visual "Poster Outline" (on chart paper) for a new campus initiative:
Requirements:
A catchy name for the zone.
Three specific services offered.
A visual logo or icon.
The Catch
You will each receive a Secret Role Card. You MUST play your role faithfully. Do not show your card to anyone else until the debrief.
Remember your Conflict Style from Lesson 1. How will it interact with your secret role?
Rules of Engagement
Stay in Character
Commit to the hidden objective, even if it feels awkward. That's the point!
Observe Friction
Pay attention to how your body feels when things get heated or frustrating.
Stop at the Bell
When the 15 minutes are up, the simulation ends immediately. Reset your emotions.
GO!
The clock is ticking. Good luck with your project.
15:00
Remaining
Hidden Agenda Cards Secret Role: Card A
The Perfectionist Controller
"This project reflects on me personally. It has to be perfect."
Your Hidden Objective:
You MUST be the one who does the final drawing/writing on the paper.
You must dismiss any idea that isn't "polished" enough.
You are highly critical of anyone who seems "lazy."
Tip: Interrupt others to "fix" their ideas.
Secret Role: Card B
The Disengaged Avoider
"I have a million other things to do. I just want this to be over."
Your Hidden Objective:
Look at your phone or doodle frequently.
Agree with whoever is speaking just to end the conversation.
If conflict starts, physically pull your chair back or look away.
Tip: Say "Sure, whatever works" at least five times.
Secret Role: Card C
The People-Pleaser
"I just want everyone to be happy and get along."
Your Hidden Objective:
If two people disagree, try to find a "middle" that makes no sense.
Apologize even if you didn't do anything wrong.
Compliment everyone constantly, even the slacker.
Tip: Say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." whenever there is tension.
Secret Role: Card D
The Idea Machine
"What if we did something totally different and crazy?"
Your Hidden Objective:
Every time the group settles on an idea, suggest a new, wilder one.
Ignore the "15-minute" time limit entirely.
Refuse to focus on the actual requirements of the poster.
Tip: Start sentences with "But imagine if..."
Teacher Note: Print one sheet per group of 4. Cut cards along the borders.
Simulation Debrief Sheet Simulation Post-Mortem
Group Project Crisis: Debrief & Analysis
Participant:
Role Played:
The Immediate Aftermath
On a scale of 1–10, how frustrated did you feel during the simulation? Why?
CHILL (1) EXPLODING (10)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
What was the specific moment your group "broke"? Describe the event and the behavior.
The Big Reveal
Now, share your secret role cards with your group. Discuss and answer the following:
For You:
How did your assigned role clash with your natural conflict style (from Lesson 1)?
For the Group:
Which role was the most difficult to deal with? Why was their behavior so disruptive?
Perspective Shift
Imagine the person you found most annoying was having a "real" crisis (e.g., family emergency, severe anxiety, or lack of sleep). How would that change your approach to them?
The Toolkit Connection
In next week's lesson on **Assertive Boundaries**, which specific interaction from today's simulation do you want to learn how to handle better? Be specific.
Assertive Edge Slides The Assertive Edge
Mastering the art of saying "No" while staying connected.
Module 03: Boundaries
The Communication Spectrum
Passive
"I don't mind. Whatever you want is fine."
Needs ignored
No conflict (now)
The Goal
Assertive
"I appreciate the invite, but I need to focus on my project tonight."
Needs communicated
Respect maintained
Aggressive
"You're so inconsiderate. Why are you always making noise?"
Needs forced
Relationship damaged
The DEAR MAN Technique
A DBT-based skill for getting what you want while keeping the other person liking you. Essential for roommates and teammates.
D
Describe
E
Express
A
Assert
R
Reinforce
M
Mindful
A
Appear
N
Negotiate
DEAR MAN in Action
The Problem
"Your roommate's partner has been staying over for 4 nights a week, and it's making it hard to use the shared kitchen."
D
Describe: "I noticed Chris has been here the last four nights."
E
Express: "I'm feeling a bit crowded when I try to cook dinner."
A
Assert: "Could we limit overnight guests to two nights a week?"
R
Reinforce: "If we do that, I'll have more energy to keep the living room clean like we agreed."
Script Doctor Time
"Most people don't fail because they're bad people; they fail because they use the wrong words."
Take out your Script Doctor Worksheet
Script Doctor Worksheet Script Doctor Worksheet
Rewriting Communication for Better Outcomes
Name:
The "Doctor's" Tools: DEAR
D Describe
Stick to facts. No judging or blaming.
E Express
Use "I" statements. "I feel..." or "I need..."
A Assert
Ask clearly for what you want or say "No."
R Reinforce
Explain the benefit for both of you.
Patient #1: The Aggressive Text
"Seriously? You're playing video games again? The trash is literally overflowing. You're so lazy it's insane. Do your job."
Doctor's Prescription (DEAR):
D
E
A
R
Patient #2: The Passive Group Member
"Oh... um, yeah, I can definitely take on the final editing and the bibliography and the formatting. I know I already did the research and the slides, but it's fine. I'll stay up tonight."
Doctor's Prescription (DEAR):
D
E
A
R
Emergency Room: Your Turn
Think of a real boundary you need to set (or one you failed to set recently). Write the "sick" version (bad communication) and then your "healed" DEAR script.
Sick Version:
Healed Version (DEAR):
Boundary Toolkit Handout The Boundary Toolkit
Quick Reference Guide for Shared Spaces
DEAR MAN: How to Ask for Things
D Describe
State the facts only. Avoid "You always" or "You never."
M Mindful
Keep your focus on your goal. Don't get distracted by side-arguments.
E Express
Use "I" statements. Share how you feel or what you need.
A Appear
Look confident. Maintain eye contact and a steady tone of voice.
A Assert
Ask clearly for what you want. Don't beat around the bush.
N Negotiate
Be willing to give a little to get a lot. Offer a middle ground.
R Reinforce
Reward them! Explain how this helps the relationship.
Pocket Phrases
"I value our friendship, and that's why I need to talk to you about..."
"I'm not comfortable with ______. Let's find another way."
"I can't commit to that right now, but I could do ______."
"I need some quiet time to study. Can we have no music after 9pm?"
Boundary Truths
Boundaries aren't walls. They are the gates that let the right things in and keep the wrong things out.
Clarity is kindness. Being vague to "save feelings" usually leads to more conflict later.
You are not responsible for other people's emotional reactions to your healthy boundaries.
My Next Step
One boundary I will set this week using DEAR MAN:
Draft your boundary here...
De-escalation Lab Slides Cooling the Core
De-escalation and the Power of Validation
Module 04: De-escalation
The Escalation Ladder
100°C: The Red Zone
Shouting, insults, physical tension. Brain is in "Fight or Flight." No learning happens here.
50°C: The Yellow Zone
Defensiveness, interrupting, eye-rolling. The conflict is starting to simmer.
20°C: The Cool Zone
Calm voice, listening, curiosity. This is where we solve problems.
"You cannot reason with a brain on fire."
De-escalation isn't about being "right." It's about bringing the temperature down so that a conversation is physically possible again.
Rule #1:
Never tell an angry person to "Calm Down."
(It has literally never worked in the history of human interaction.)
The Skill: Looping
Looping is the process of repeating back what you heard the other person say to their satisfaction before you respond.
1
Listen for the **feeling** and the **fact**.
2
Reflect it back: "It sounds like you're feeling [X] because [Y]."
3
Check: "Did I get that right?"
Why it works:
It proves you are actually listening.
It forces the other person to slow down and listen to themselves.
It lowers defensiveness—they feel "seen."
The Critical Distinction
Agreement
"You are right. I was wrong. The facts you are stating are true."
NOT REQUIRED
Validation
"I can see that you are feeling very frustrated right now, and it makes sense given your perspective."
MANDATORY
"You can validate someone's experience without agreeing with their conclusion."
Looping Lab
In pairs, one person will escalate a complaint (the "Simmerer") and the other will remain calm and use Looping (the "Cooler").
Open your Validation Loops Worksheet
Validation Loops Worksheet Validation Loops
Active Mediation & De-escalation Practice
Name:
The Looping Process
01
Listen
Don't think about your answer. Listen for their **feelings** and the **facts**.
02
Loop
Reflect back: "It sounds like you're [feeling] because [situation]..."
03
Check
Ask: "Did I get that right?" If they say no, listen again and re-loop.
Exercise: Finding the Loop
Read each "angry" statement and write a validation loop response that identifies the emotion and the core issue. Do not agree or solve yet—just loop.
The Complaint:
"I'm so sick of being the only one who cares about this group project. I've sent three emails and no one has responded. We're going to fail because you guys are lazy!"
Your Validation Loop:
"It sounds like you're feeling..."
The Complaint:
"You can't just invite people over at midnight! I have an 8 AM exam. You're being totally selfish and you have no respect for my space."
Your Validation Loop:
"So, what I'm hearing is..."
Active Observation
While your partners are role-playing the "Cooling Lab," use this checklist to observe the effectiveness of the "Cooler."
Body Language
Open posture?
Eye contact?
Calm voice?
The Loop
Named the emotion?
Facts were accurate?
Checked for accuracy?
Results
Temp dropped?
Solution found?
Tension remained?
Observer's Note:
What was the most effective phrase the "Cooler" used today?
Final Charter Slides The Great Charter
Drafting Proactive Agreements for Shared Living & Working
Module 05: Final Project
The Anatomy of a Failed Contract
Case Study: Room 402
"Clause 4: Everyone must be respectful of noise levels at night."
Why it failed:
What does "respectful" mean? (Subjective)
When is "at night"? (Vague)
What happens if someone isn't? (No consequence)
The Proactive Shift
Instead of Vague Hopes, we need Specific Systems.
The Golden Rule of Charters:
"If a stranger can't walk in and know if the rule is being broken, the rule isn't specific enough."
The Blueprint: 4 Key Pillars
Space & Noise
Quiet hours, guests, shared vs. private items, desk usage.
Labor & Grit
Cleaning schedules, trash rotation, division of tasks, deadlines.
Conflict Loop
HOW will we talk? 24-hour cooling rule? Mandatory mediation?
Resources
Shared costs, groceries, utilities, Venmo timelines.
Standard Operating Procedures
The "Friction Log"
Before a house meeting, everyone writes down one thing that went well and one thing that needs adjustment.
Discussion:
"What is the one rule you wish you'd had in your last group project or living situation?"
The Charter is a Living Document.
It is not a trap. It is a tool. It should be reviewed and updated every 30 days.
1
Draft the Agreement.
2
Live by it for 2 weeks.
3
Iterate & Improve.
Drafting the Blueprint
In your groups, you have the rest of the period to draft your **Shared Living/Working Blueprint**. Be specific, be bold, and be realistic.
The best contracts prevent the worst conflicts.
Co-Living Blueprint Document The Blueprint
Shared Living & Working Agreement
EFFECTIVE DATE:
Parties Involved
List the names and contact info of everyone covered by this agreement.
Goal
The purpose of this document is to create a baseline of mutual respect and clarity, reducing friction and ensuring everyone can thrive in the shared space.
Pillar 01: Space & Atmosphere
Quiet Hours:
Example: Sunday-Thursday, 10 PM - 8 AM.
Guest Policy:
Example: Overnight guests max 2 nights a week.
What "Respectful Noise" actually looks like:
Pillar 02: Labor & Shared Resources
Cleaning Rotation:
Shared vs. Private items:
Which things are "Hands Off"? Which things are "Ask First"?
Pillar 03: The Conflict Protocol
When someone breaks a rule or there is friction, how will we handle it? Use skills from Lesson 3 & 4 (DEAR MAN, Looping).
Step 1: The Initial Talk
Step 2: Escalation / Mediation
Authorization
"We agree to review this document in 30 days and iterate as needed."
